The shapeless girl

Tosha Siver’s « the wild offering » card deck

When I was a child, I loved being watched by my parents. Playing, baking, doing my homework, coming back home, eating at the table with them.
Their gaze made me feel precious and interesting and special.

I never lived alone. When I left my parent’s home, it was to settle with my boyfriend and finish my studies in the big city. The studies kept me busy for two years, but when they ended, and before I got a job, I realized something terrible.

I didn’t know what to do of myself in the flat when I was alone. Nobody was watching and I felt shapeless, like gas without a container to tell it what it was.
My partner was at work during the day. A growing feeling of misery seeped into me through every pore. Lire la suite

Freestanding self-worth

Tosha Silver’s « the wild offering » card deck

Have you ever « used » others to make you feel better ?
I can say I have. A lot. My friends mostly.

A low self-worth can have us wear our friendships and our loves (however sincere and honestly spontaneous) like jewels : we think « look how they shine ».

We can also lean on our loved ones (siblings and parents as well as friends and lovers) because we believe we don’t have « what it takes » in Life.

And -the most classic one- we can have external self-worth. Which means that it fluctuates depending on your emotional/romantic circumstances. It leads to ideas and beliefs like « being single means that I’m not lovable » or « having a boyfriend/girlfriend much later than other people means there is something wrong with me ».  Lire la suite

Success is a hollow idea/idol

I’ve now been studying with the GAHP (global association for holistic psychotherapy) for three months. The course itself is over and we are now working to complete the requirements for being certified. One of the requirements is that we bragged for 5 days (if you miss one, you start over) on the certification’s FB group.

But bragging is a matter of seeing success in oneself. What is there to be celebrated when we cast a dim light on ourselves ?

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When it doesn’t go as planned

Yesterday, I was in what I call a « washing-machine day ». Those are days of deep deep energetical clearing, cleaning and erasing. And they can be damn painful and difficult. Actually, I spent a good part of the day sleeping because it prevented me from cutting myself on my razor-blades-laden brain. I’m talking about my conditionned self of course. Purging its darkness and being ragingly cruel to me.

« – Where are you in your life, you loser ? Your friends are getting married and buying appartments. They travel, they have money, and you ? You are lagging behind, still living in the appartment you rented as a student ? You are a shame to me, can’t you just give it a kick and stop disappointing me ? »
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