Yesterday, I was in what I call a « washing-machine day ». Those are days of deep deep energetical clearing, cleaning and erasing. And they can be damn painful and difficult. Actually, I spent a good part of the day sleeping because it prevented me from cutting myself on my razor-blades-laden brain. I’m talking about my conditionned self of course. Purging its darkness and being ragingly cruel to me.
« – Where are you in your life, you loser ? Your friends are getting married and buying appartments. They travel, they have money, and you ? You are lagging behind, still living in the appartment you rented as a student ? You are a shame to me, can’t you just give it a kick and stop disappointing me ? »
It was a nightmare.
It didn’t matter at all to my conditionned self that I had chosen a path where I had a chance to really become myself, to really heal the fears that had been riddling me since I was a child. It didn’t matter at all that I never quit, never gave up, despite how hard it was. And my conditionned self counted for nothing the fact that I had a loving partner, that we were not married because none of us cared for marriage and that we were living a life we had chosen.
I don’t think I ever settled.
I left a job where I was unhappy.
I faced every fear, every block, every pattern.
All the friends and family members I interact with are loving and kind to me. I never tolerated any unkind behaviour since 2012. I left a job and a psychiatrist because I didn’t like the way I was treated. And when a friend acted less than honourably with me, I told them, and I asked for better behaviour… that I actually got !
After that horredous day of being bullied by my conditionned self, the clouds finally parted and I realized that I didn’t value myself enough. That I demanded things of myself as if I was a despotic princess, a spoiled brat. But the things I had, I counted them for nothing…
No, my life « didn’t go as planned ».
I was a promising schoolgirl and student.
But my inner insecurities wouldn’t allow me to be a successful working woman. I had to become myself to allow this.
And there is no map for « becoming yourself ». There hardly are any signposts on the road. You have to smell the air, taste the water, watch out for the course of migratory birds and the moss on the tree-trunks.
That doesn’t mean you suck.
« You suck » is a view of th conditionned self, that has a very precise (and abstract, and theoretical) idea of how things « should » go. The Universe doesn’t care. It has all the time in the world (like… litterally) and will always provide the signposts you need, if you are ready to see them. That’s not about giving marks or judging you.
And thus, my horrible day of yesterday has yielded a big big signpost : now I know better than blaming myself for my current situation. I’ll now be on the lookout for the value of who I am and what I do. A missing piece of significant size, isn’t it ?
And now, let’s turn left, and carry on.