Do you know this moment when your palms get all sweaty and you start shaking just because you are about to speak to a person that you judge « more beautiful » than you ?
And you think « what am I doing here ? They are a looooong shot, I should just leave ».
And every detail of your anatomy becomes an accusation in the voice of your inner critic : shorter, fatter, socks-shaped breasts, cellulite, hair, no grace…
And then you want to go live under a rock for the rest of your existence because you feel so bad for being in your own skin that you believe you are a stain on the face of the Earth.
[apocalyptic explosion, diverse pyrotechnic effects, John Carpenter’s music, fade to black, the end, credits]
Rings a bell ?
"Des complexes, on en a tous ! Aimez-vous et votre corps, personne ne le fera pour vous."Elle a créé Coucou les girls pour montrer que les photos parfaites sur Instagram, c’est pas la réalité. Elle raconte.
Publiée par Brut sur Mercredi 15 mai 2019
Well, even if you have only known a softer, lighter, smaller version of this, you know what I mean. If you have ever thought something along the lines of « I must fix this body so I can AT LAST be right », I can take you somewhere else.
Let’s start at « I can at last be « right » »
Who defines « right » ?
Let me tell you who : the others.
In the 1920’s, being as flat chested as a boy was considered hugely fashionable and looked « good » in the clothes of that time.
In the fourteenth century in France, a « beautiful » feminine belly was big, round and prominent.
And before Coco Chanel declared the tan fashionable, a pale, white skin was what you wanted. It made you stand above the working masses that had to sweat and toil in the fields under a burning sun.
You see the common point between all these criteria ? They are all abstract. They all are completely arbitrary and absolute. As long as we are in the world of abstract, there is no way to discuss anything.
The problem, with these abstract ideas, is that we absorb them (just like a plant would do with the soil’s water) unconsciously as much as consciously, since we are born. A baby is like a blank page. The ideas we will have, growing up are all PUT there. By the culture, the images we see every day (giant posters in a subway or people in a street of the XIVth century are the same), by what our parents and educators and teachers have said to us. And also by what these important persons have NOT said to us. If you never saw a fat woman being complimented, even if you are as young as eight years old, you will draw your own conclusion about the possible inconvenience (and so, « wrong-ness ») of being fat. Or a fat woman. Do you see where I am leading you ?
When we are in abstraction, we can’t even be sure that our tastes are ours. Am I plucking my body-hair because I want to, or because a part of my psyche is using intimidation and threat to make me do it ?
« People are going to find me weird and ugly if I keep my hair » IS intimidation and threat. And it’s an external threat, to begin with, because this idea has been absorbed from my culture and education, an only then, it became a little cogwheel in my mind.
Only your gut can help you to know if you are acting from your own volition and inner wisdom and true desires, or if you have been influenced. And when there is confusion and you are not sure who made the decision, only your gut can tell you who did. Only your vibrant emotion, this burning, churning feeling in your belly can tell you if you are really in charge at the moment, if you are empowering yourself or letting a cultural implant command you.
Emotion is not abstraction. You are alive and real. No abstract idea can manipulate you when you are in touch with your gut, your core, your feelings.
You know what ? Who drives your physical attraction for someone ? YOUR GUT ! Not your abstract ideas. That’s your gut that tells you that this person is distillating a delightful, intoxicating mojo that seduces you, whatever the size of their stomach, the quality of their dentistry or the degree of cigarette addiction you can perceive in their breath.
Let’s take a few extreme examples.
In your opinion, is it abstract physical criteria that have sealed the huge artistic, entrepreneurial and romantic success of Serge Gainsbourg, Salvador Dalí or Rossy de Palma ?
Is it really the handlebars-shaped moustache that objectively enthralled Dalí’s lovers ?
No, right ?
Your true essence, your real splendor, your attraction elixir… it’s you. Not an abstraction based on meters or pounds, skin’s texture or hair density by square inch. You are a living, moving, feeling, sentient being. You are more than a bunch of parameters that the eye can see. And your essence can only express itself in all its radiance if you let it. You have to unlock the door of the emotional and energetic prison of judgement you have slammed onto yourself based on your perceived performance, body shape, and supposed failures.
If you see yourself as ugly, it will show. Your light will be dimmed, lessened. Your energy will be weak and… (life really can be a bitch), you will reap results aligned on this believed ugliness : you’ll be less visible, less valued, less complimented, etc.
Not because you don’t DESERVE to be. Not because there is something inherently falty of broken in you, but just because you have jammed your own signal by labelling yourself not good enough, inadequate.
Boom. The guillotine’s blade have fallen, and it’s you who pulled the lever.
Well, of course, you didn’t just choose to do that.
That’s where I started : all these notions of what is supposedly beautiful or not, society fed them to us all since our youngest age, on purpose and also by accident, neglect ot stupidity. We drank these very ideas in our very mother’s milk (mother whose breasts were probably a different shape from what was considered fashionable in her time, whatever the time she lived in, anyway)
But we can take our power back, leave the world of abstraction and FEEL instead of measure. No one has the power to make us feel inferior without our participation. Our society has erected a pedestal to « beauty ». Handsome people (whatever this word means given the currently fashionable criteria) are given an advantage. For job interviews, for how they are treated in the street, for how they are take taken more seriously and better listened to. We even COMPARE ourselves to them and place ourselves lower than them in the « social food chain ». We beat ourselves up for not being like them. This is insane, right ?
Being « handsome » is completely random. You just have to be born with features that are valued in your time. Who knows ? In 250 years from now, the ultimate beauty criteria might be a height of less than five foot ? Let me tell you, tall people won’t be laughing that much…
The idea that we should « work » to make ourselves more beautiful by means of surgery, sport, diets, make-up, hair-removal is based on body-shaming and turns us into obedient slaves to ideas and the beauty market.
If you FEEL that the « gold » version of yourself, the version that best expresses your full health, your full power, your full self-love is 20 kilos lighter, then fine. It’s a feeling, not an abstraction. It’s your very essence that speaks. Follow this inner guidance, it knows where to go.
The rest of time, keep your energy and self-esteem, and don’t give them away to other people’s idea of how you « should » look. Society doesn’t care for your happiness.
You all are very beautiful.